Looking for support and encouragement
by Jeff Johnston · 02/02/2009 (5:31 pm) · 37 comments
I have been absent from the blogs and forums. I have been actively reading them everyday, but have failed to contribute. I write now because I am overwhelmed and am seeking some words of encouragement and support.
The way life goes is sometimes overwhelming. Life has always got in the way of me making my games. I work on my games constantly. A little here and a little there. Never for any great length of time, but never far from my mind. I have five children which take up a good amount of my time, but are also the inspiration for my games. I have bounced from one job to the next. This last one was in the steel industry as a maintenance millwright. Two and a half years and then a lay off. I am currently unemployed which I thought would be the perfect opportunity to have the time to get a good amount done on my game.
However, life threw a curve ball again. My wife (26 years old) was recently diagnosed with ovarian cancer. She went through surgery with the hope that it would be gone. Three months later the cancer came back with a vengeance. There is a large ( 5.5 x 5 x 3 inch) tumor in her lower abdomen, smaller tumors in her lungs, liver, lymph nodes and all over in the rest of the abdomen. She is on heavy doses of Chemo Therapy. The doctors say she has a 16% chance of survival. 26 years old with a 16% chance of surviving this cancer. She is struggling with this and the chemo treatments. Again life has stepped in the way.
A part of me is starting to resign to the idea that this is not meant to be. I am 40 years old and don't have a lot to show for my efforts. Another part of me is fighting every day to make my game. Struggle every day for a little time to program, model a little more, work on the design docs, or sketch some ideas.
I guess I just wanted to vent a little and maybe get some feedback or advise. I am very overwhelmed right now. Any help is very appreciated.
Thank you.
Jeff Johnston
The way life goes is sometimes overwhelming. Life has always got in the way of me making my games. I work on my games constantly. A little here and a little there. Never for any great length of time, but never far from my mind. I have five children which take up a good amount of my time, but are also the inspiration for my games. I have bounced from one job to the next. This last one was in the steel industry as a maintenance millwright. Two and a half years and then a lay off. I am currently unemployed which I thought would be the perfect opportunity to have the time to get a good amount done on my game.
However, life threw a curve ball again. My wife (26 years old) was recently diagnosed with ovarian cancer. She went through surgery with the hope that it would be gone. Three months later the cancer came back with a vengeance. There is a large ( 5.5 x 5 x 3 inch) tumor in her lower abdomen, smaller tumors in her lungs, liver, lymph nodes and all over in the rest of the abdomen. She is on heavy doses of Chemo Therapy. The doctors say she has a 16% chance of survival. 26 years old with a 16% chance of surviving this cancer. She is struggling with this and the chemo treatments. Again life has stepped in the way.
A part of me is starting to resign to the idea that this is not meant to be. I am 40 years old and don't have a lot to show for my efforts. Another part of me is fighting every day to make my game. Struggle every day for a little time to program, model a little more, work on the design docs, or sketch some ideas.
I guess I just wanted to vent a little and maybe get some feedback or advise. I am very overwhelmed right now. Any help is very appreciated.
Thank you.
Jeff Johnston
About the author
#2
I resolved when my loved one died that I would allways keep a hostile attitude toward the diesese and I am pleased to say I have kept that promise. You might try the same plan of attack.
As far as your game I suggest you set aside a small amount of time in blocks for you to pursue it. I find dedicated time to work on my game with no distractions (except the kids) can help my peace of mind and can be soothing.
Anyway, the keep your spirits up. Perhaps the best way to do that might be to keep a small little bit of reserved time for your game. If you can manage it.
Anyway, tell us about your game. (by the way I hate Cancer)
lead programmer MBOBaseball
02/02/2009 (5:46 pm)
Cancer sucks ass Jeff. I wont go into how I came to that conclusion. It had to do with someone close to me dieing from it. But I can assure you that Cancer is on my bad list and as far as I am concerned Cancer can go straight to hell. I am sure you would agree with that.I resolved when my loved one died that I would allways keep a hostile attitude toward the diesese and I am pleased to say I have kept that promise. You might try the same plan of attack.
As far as your game I suggest you set aside a small amount of time in blocks for you to pursue it. I find dedicated time to work on my game with no distractions (except the kids) can help my peace of mind and can be soothing.
Anyway, the keep your spirits up. Perhaps the best way to do that might be to keep a small little bit of reserved time for your game. If you can manage it.
Anyway, tell us about your game. (by the way I hate Cancer)
lead programmer MBOBaseball
#3
If you're an artist, try modding a game with your own custom artwork. If you're a programmer, start with a 2D puzzle game tied to something you know or enjoy. Maybe a puzzle game about being maintenance millwright that assembles components together. Mechanical games like The Incredible Machine are popular and a lot of fun. You can probably build it with Torque Game Builder in a reasonable amount of time.
Your first completed game may not be a big money maker, but it will help morale and give you the experience to move on to a more challenging game project or even give you credibility to recruit team members. Just keep it short and simple to start with.
John K.
www.envygames.com
02/02/2009 (5:47 pm)
Sorry to hear about tragedy and I wish your wife and family well. When your time is limited, just be sure to set your sights on a reasonably sized game. Be realistic with the time you have and not set out to create the next Halo. If you're an artist, try modding a game with your own custom artwork. If you're a programmer, start with a 2D puzzle game tied to something you know or enjoy. Maybe a puzzle game about being maintenance millwright that assembles components together. Mechanical games like The Incredible Machine are popular and a lot of fun. You can probably build it with Torque Game Builder in a reasonable amount of time.
Your first completed game may not be a big money maker, but it will help morale and give you the experience to move on to a more challenging game project or even give you credibility to recruit team members. Just keep it short and simple to start with.
John K.
www.envygames.com
#4
There aren't always good answers to the mysteries and tragedies of life when we want them, but in time all things get answered... that's a fact. I will pray for you and your wife.
02/02/2009 (6:00 pm)
Jeff, game development can be a consuming passion, I would put your time into your wife now. I love my wife with all my heart and I can't imagine what you're going through.There aren't always good answers to the mysteries and tragedies of life when we want them, but in time all things get answered... that's a fact. I will pray for you and your wife.
#5
Meanwhile, work on your game, come back to us and talk. Spelling the problem in words and knowing somebody is reading it and knows can be a relief.
If I knew it helped, I would let you bit the crap out of me : ) Meanwhile you can allways have a chat with me at apparatustheory/gmail or xsi4ever/yahoo messengers.
Apparatus
02/02/2009 (6:03 pm)
This is terrible news. Do not however let this overwhelm you, keep the spirits up and enjoy every day. However hard this may sound, ignore the bad news and feed up with good stuff; Good comedy movies, anything that brings joy (being around kids could help too ~ but NOT the small crying-pooping-pooping-crying ones!). There are cases of cured cancer against any doctor's predictions. So keep the hope alive.Meanwhile, work on your game, come back to us and talk. Spelling the problem in words and knowing somebody is reading it and knows can be a relief.
If I knew it helped, I would let you bit the crap out of me : ) Meanwhile you can allways have a chat with me at apparatustheory/gmail or xsi4ever/yahoo messengers.
Apparatus
#6
02/02/2009 (6:26 pm)
I'm so sorry to hear that Jeff. I'll keep your wife in my prayers. I hope she gets better! 
#7
First, I want to thank you for sharing a part of your life with us (the community). While most blogs are game or developer oriented, there are real human beings behind each keyboard with lives we rarely get to glimpse into.
I am truly sorry that you are having an extremely difficult time, which is probably an understatement. I am getting married in just a few days, and the thought of my love leaving me too soon...well I just don't know if I could even bare to speak about it.
Even without a major game release, at 40 you have more to show for your efforts in life through your family. I definitely look more forward to a family than ever finishing a project.
Game development is overwhelming from the start, even without any distractions. For it to still be on your mind amidst your hardships shows a great deal of passion on your part. You first posted a blog 3 years ago introducing yourself as being very new to the game industry.
It can take years before you get a title out the door if you are limited on time and budget. However, released or not, you are a game developer. If you touch code or create a model, you are developing a game and that counts in my book.
I'll finish the rest of this via private e-mail. I'll be using the one assigned to your account, but if there is another that you use more frequently you can e-mail me at michaelp@garagegames.com
02/02/2009 (6:42 pm)
@Jeff - I want to express many different thoughts to you.First, I want to thank you for sharing a part of your life with us (the community). While most blogs are game or developer oriented, there are real human beings behind each keyboard with lives we rarely get to glimpse into.
I am truly sorry that you are having an extremely difficult time, which is probably an understatement. I am getting married in just a few days, and the thought of my love leaving me too soon...well I just don't know if I could even bare to speak about it.
Even without a major game release, at 40 you have more to show for your efforts in life through your family. I definitely look more forward to a family than ever finishing a project.
Game development is overwhelming from the start, even without any distractions. For it to still be on your mind amidst your hardships shows a great deal of passion on your part. You first posted a blog 3 years ago introducing yourself as being very new to the game industry.
It can take years before you get a title out the door if you are limited on time and budget. However, released or not, you are a game developer. If you touch code or create a model, you are developing a game and that counts in my book.
I'll finish the rest of this via private e-mail. I'll be using the one assigned to your account, but if there is another that you use more frequently you can e-mail me at michaelp@garagegames.com
#8
Sorry to hear that. I can only tell you to fight, just fight and be there with your family and use each second with them because there is no better spent time. Right now I would say try and leave your game for later as they need you there. I really hope everything goes fine for you and your family. While there is hope you must keep fighting. On the end, God does thing for a reason and it will come to you on time. Meanwhile look this video from Randy Pausch, a master in computer graphics who left us a little while ago.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ji5_MqicxSo
For everyone else. Cancer is a monster with so many faces that makes it virtually impossible to analyze. 1 in 3 person in the world will develop some kind of cancer during its life so chances for you to be related to somebidy with cancer are high. Its painful and terrible on families and if you never had a case in your family just thank God for that. So please if you are not actively donating to some cancer research entity and you have the means then try to do so. If you dont have the means to contribute economically then just lend your computer cycles. Try: http://www.computeagainstcancer.org/
http://www.cbcrp.org/wcg.php
http://dubber6.tripod.com/whereisit/id24.html
I know there are more fancy ways to spend your PC cycles like SETI@Home but this is way more useful than thinking about StarTrek (I'm a trekkie myself but there are priorities).
Luck to you all!
Guimo
P.S. And if in the future you need help about your game code send me a message, maybe I can help somehow.
02/02/2009 (7:15 pm)
Hi Jeff,Sorry to hear that. I can only tell you to fight, just fight and be there with your family and use each second with them because there is no better spent time. Right now I would say try and leave your game for later as they need you there. I really hope everything goes fine for you and your family. While there is hope you must keep fighting. On the end, God does thing for a reason and it will come to you on time. Meanwhile look this video from Randy Pausch, a master in computer graphics who left us a little while ago.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ji5_MqicxSo
For everyone else. Cancer is a monster with so many faces that makes it virtually impossible to analyze. 1 in 3 person in the world will develop some kind of cancer during its life so chances for you to be related to somebidy with cancer are high. Its painful and terrible on families and if you never had a case in your family just thank God for that. So please if you are not actively donating to some cancer research entity and you have the means then try to do so. If you dont have the means to contribute economically then just lend your computer cycles. Try: http://www.computeagainstcancer.org/
http://www.cbcrp.org/wcg.php
http://dubber6.tripod.com/whereisit/id24.html
I know there are more fancy ways to spend your PC cycles like SETI@Home but this is way more useful than thinking about StarTrek (I'm a trekkie myself but there are priorities).
Luck to you all!
Guimo
P.S. And if in the future you need help about your game code send me a message, maybe I can help somehow.
#9
Struggle on. You and your wife are worth it. I know. My wife is worth it, too.
You can contact me as well at davidb@garagegames.com if you want. Struggle on. In life, as in everything else, the struggle is all.
Struggle for yourself. Struggle for your life. And live, love, and persevere.
02/02/2009 (7:17 pm)
I posted on the Unity forums as well when I read it.Struggle on. You and your wife are worth it. I know. My wife is worth it, too.
You can contact me as well at davidb@garagegames.com if you want. Struggle on. In life, as in everything else, the struggle is all.
Struggle for yourself. Struggle for your life. And live, love, and persevere.
#10
02/02/2009 (7:58 pm)
My thoughts go to you and your family. Take care. 
#11
Focus on your wife and kids - they'll need you more than ever right now. Time spent with loved ones is far more valuable than any game ever could be, besides you can always make games later on in life.
02/02/2009 (8:13 pm)
Sorry to hear about your situation. Focus on your wife and kids - they'll need you more than ever right now. Time spent with loved ones is far more valuable than any game ever could be, besides you can always make games later on in life.
#12
I am keeping your family in my prayers.
My precious wife has pretty bad diabetes (very hard to control type 1), and has ended up unconscious several times and more often ended up in hypoglycemia, wandering around the house blind and "drunken" trying to find sugar. I've been scared witless more than once. I try not to think about what might happen, and rather enjoy the time I have with her and my family.
02/02/2009 (9:26 pm)
Fight the good fight, for your family and your dreams of being a game designer!I am keeping your family in my prayers.
My precious wife has pretty bad diabetes (very hard to control type 1), and has ended up unconscious several times and more often ended up in hypoglycemia, wandering around the house blind and "drunken" trying to find sugar. I've been scared witless more than once. I try not to think about what might happen, and rather enjoy the time I have with her and my family.
#13
02/02/2009 (10:22 pm)
Take care of yourself and your family, knowing that there are both rough times and good times still ahead of you. 
#14
To quote a recent film, "life's not about how hard you hit but about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward".
My own words fail me. Indeed I sat here for ten minutes thinking about what to write.
The best I can come up with is to simply say that if there is anything I can do to help you my friend then please contact me at melvm@garagegames.com. And please, that's no and idle offer.
Best wishes for the future from my family to yours.
Melv.
02/03/2009 (12:06 am)
Jeff,To quote a recent film, "life's not about how hard you hit but about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward".
My own words fail me. Indeed I sat here for ten minutes thinking about what to write.
The best I can come up with is to simply say that if there is anything I can do to help you my friend then please contact me at melvm@garagegames.com. And please, that's no and idle offer.
Best wishes for the future from my family to yours.
Melv.
#15
Hope is the best medicine in your case I think. Even if it is hard nowadays to have hope, and even if it can be the hardest one at the end, hope and joy from her friends and family can make miracle for the health of your wife.
And take care of your children, and give your wife reasons to be amazed by life, by you, and give her reasons to struggle her disease to know what you can do next.
I just hope that I will be right in your situation.
Nicolas
02/03/2009 (1:32 am)
Sorry for you and your family.Hope is the best medicine in your case I think. Even if it is hard nowadays to have hope, and even if it can be the hardest one at the end, hope and joy from her friends and family can make miracle for the health of your wife.
And take care of your children, and give your wife reasons to be amazed by life, by you, and give her reasons to struggle her disease to know what you can do next.
I just hope that I will be right in your situation.
Nicolas
#16
02/03/2009 (4:21 am)
She has beautiful eyes man! Take care of her, and dont let you down Jeff. Arise! 
#17
I think you'd be better off considering your game dev. as a pleasant distraction when you get the time to do it, but don't beat yourself up over not having time to get much done on it. It's only possible to do so much in the day, you have to realise some things have higher priority..
02/03/2009 (5:38 am)
So sorry Jeff :(I think you'd be better off considering your game dev. as a pleasant distraction when you get the time to do it, but don't beat yourself up over not having time to get much done on it. It's only possible to do so much in the day, you have to realise some things have higher priority..
#18
Don't think about what might be, embrace what you have now. Hope for the best, I know, things have an interesting way of working out, in remarkable ways. Keep your faith that things will go well. Regret nothing. And most of all, be brave for your wife, and especially your kids. She will be looking for strength in you. The kids want you to be 'the rock', and so does she.
I wish the best for you all, and I know things will work out the way they should. Most of all don't let anger and bitterness get in the way right now - it's just a waste of precious time when you could be happy together instead.
Do everything now for your family - there's a natural order to things I've found. Your wife -> your kids -> then yourself - prioritise things that way.
02/03/2009 (7:33 am)
She's still here, be grateful for every moment you spend with her, and for the time she can spend with the kids. Leave the game dev stuff for now. Enjoy your life as a family now, especially because you have more time to spend with them. Don't think about what might be, embrace what you have now. Hope for the best, I know, things have an interesting way of working out, in remarkable ways. Keep your faith that things will go well. Regret nothing. And most of all, be brave for your wife, and especially your kids. She will be looking for strength in you. The kids want you to be 'the rock', and so does she.
I wish the best for you all, and I know things will work out the way they should. Most of all don't let anger and bitterness get in the way right now - it's just a waste of precious time when you could be happy together instead.
Do everything now for your family - there's a natural order to things I've found. Your wife -> your kids -> then yourself - prioritise things that way.
#19
02/03/2009 (7:36 am)
P.S - not sure if it will help but can we set up a donation via Pay Pal to help out? I'll remove this idea if it's inappropriate or unwanted Jeff.
#20
If anyone is interested in following her progress, I have set up a web page for her @
www.caringbridge.org/visit/hannahjohnston
Thank you. I will post more later.
Jeff Johnston
02/03/2009 (7:57 am)
Thank you all your kind words and advice. Very much appreciated and overwhelming responses. If anyone is interested in following her progress, I have set up a web page for her @
www.caringbridge.org/visit/hannahjohnston
Thank you. I will post more later.
Jeff Johnston
Torque Owner Jeff Johnston
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