Starting over?
by Jeff Johnston · 07/28/2009 (10:28 am) · 56 comments
As some of you may remember, my wife, Hannah, was diagnosed with ovarian cancer in September of 2008. If you are interested, I have a website setup that I kept her progress journals and photos. www.caringbridge.org/visit/hannahjohnston
She fought and beat the cancer three times. Each time the cancer came back harder and faster than the last. My beautiful, amazing Hannah passed away on June 25, 2009 from complications of being in the hospital and surgery. Hannah was 27 years old!
Hannah was my love. She was definitely my better half. She was such an amazing person. As beautiful as she was on the outside, her inner beauty was much greater. She loved me. She loved life. She loved to laugh. She loved my children. Hannah was the strongest person that I have ever met. She fought the cancer with everything she had. She never gave up. She never surrendered. She taught me what determination means.
Hannah was a very special person. We had a very special relationship. We understood each other. We fit together perfectly. Our plan was to work on games together from our home. Hannah was so excited about this. It was a dream for her. We started working on our game ideas. We created the design documents, we started modeling the environments and characters. We worked very well together. A real team. That got put on the back burner when Hannah was diagnosed with cancer. However, it never stopped us from talking about it and thinking about what the future was going to hold for us. We dreamed big. We dreamed bold. We dreamed together.
Now that Hannah is no longer here with me (although I believe she is still here in spirit and always in my mind, heart and soul) I have been struggling with what to do now. It has taken me this long, since June 25, to even be able to look at the game development sites I usually look at. It has taken me this long to think about writing a blog. But I think Hannah would want me to carry on with what we started together. I think she would want me to hold onto those dreams. She would want me to be strong and determined like she was and carry on her dreams and aspirations. It will be difficult... I miss her so! Everything I touch on the computer and the desk and the room and the house reminds me of her.
So... I am starting over... kinda! I am starting again from where we left off. I am picking up the pieces and am going to try and make games that Hannah would be proud to call her own, that she would be proud to be a part of. I hope I am up for the challenge. Hopefully she will guide my hand in this endeavor.
I miss my wife, my love, my Hannah. I miss her strength and determination. I miss her love. I miss her laugh. People keep telling me that time heals all things... I guess I need time. She will always be with me. She will always be a part of who I am.
Wish me luck...
Thank you for your time,
Jeff Johnston
She fought and beat the cancer three times. Each time the cancer came back harder and faster than the last. My beautiful, amazing Hannah passed away on June 25, 2009 from complications of being in the hospital and surgery. Hannah was 27 years old!
Hannah was my love. She was definitely my better half. She was such an amazing person. As beautiful as she was on the outside, her inner beauty was much greater. She loved me. She loved life. She loved to laugh. She loved my children. Hannah was the strongest person that I have ever met. She fought the cancer with everything she had. She never gave up. She never surrendered. She taught me what determination means.
Hannah was a very special person. We had a very special relationship. We understood each other. We fit together perfectly. Our plan was to work on games together from our home. Hannah was so excited about this. It was a dream for her. We started working on our game ideas. We created the design documents, we started modeling the environments and characters. We worked very well together. A real team. That got put on the back burner when Hannah was diagnosed with cancer. However, it never stopped us from talking about it and thinking about what the future was going to hold for us. We dreamed big. We dreamed bold. We dreamed together.
Now that Hannah is no longer here with me (although I believe she is still here in spirit and always in my mind, heart and soul) I have been struggling with what to do now. It has taken me this long, since June 25, to even be able to look at the game development sites I usually look at. It has taken me this long to think about writing a blog. But I think Hannah would want me to carry on with what we started together. I think she would want me to hold onto those dreams. She would want me to be strong and determined like she was and carry on her dreams and aspirations. It will be difficult... I miss her so! Everything I touch on the computer and the desk and the room and the house reminds me of her.
So... I am starting over... kinda! I am starting again from where we left off. I am picking up the pieces and am going to try and make games that Hannah would be proud to call her own, that she would be proud to be a part of. I hope I am up for the challenge. Hopefully she will guide my hand in this endeavor.
I miss my wife, my love, my Hannah. I miss her strength and determination. I miss her love. I miss her laugh. People keep telling me that time heals all things... I guess I need time. She will always be with me. She will always be a part of who I am.
Wish me luck...
Thank you for your time,
Jeff Johnston
About the author
#42
Losing a loved one isn't easy, but as you've been told already, life does, somehow, go on. I'm glad you've taken that first step. Like learning to walk, it's not easy for a while. It does get easier. Keep taking those steps and when you feel yourself starting to fall, remember, you have a lot of friends here to lean on. As you have read above, we all support you and each of us will do whatever we can to help you on your way to success.
07/29/2009 (7:16 am)
Wow Jeff. She was a beautiful woman. You have my sincere condolences. Losing a loved one isn't easy, but as you've been told already, life does, somehow, go on. I'm glad you've taken that first step. Like learning to walk, it's not easy for a while. It does get easier. Keep taking those steps and when you feel yourself starting to fall, remember, you have a lot of friends here to lean on. As you have read above, we all support you and each of us will do whatever we can to help you on your way to success.
#43
07/29/2009 (10:03 am)
You have my condolences as well Jeff. At least you can cherish the fact that you got to be with such an incredible person. You and your family have my prayers. 
#44
07/29/2009 (10:21 am)
An awful loss that nobody should have to experience. I can only begin to guess at how that feels. I wish you the best for the future during this sad time and sincerely admire that want to honour Hannah in this way. 
#45
07/29/2009 (10:40 am)
So sorry, Jeff. Kudos for sticking with it. I hope her memory keeps you company and comes back to say hello from time to time. Best wishes to you and your kids! 
#46
07/29/2009 (1:05 pm)
I lost a cousin earlier this year to a car crash, only 18 years old and a close friend of the family just lost her fight with cancer. Still, I can only imagine what you must be going through losing someone so close. You and your family have my sympathies and I wish you the best of luck with your game plans. 
#47
just like most people here, I can only say "I'm sorry". The love you feel for Hannah radiates from the page, and that, I imagine, will never fade.
07/29/2009 (1:35 pm)
Jeff,just like most people here, I can only say "I'm sorry". The love you feel for Hannah radiates from the page, and that, I imagine, will never fade.
#48
Thanks for sharing such a personal event.
07/29/2009 (1:48 pm)
It is like starting over. Many people will live their entire life without the capacity to live and love as you and Hannah have been. Inspirational! She's in a better place than we are, don't you worry about that!Thanks for sharing such a personal event.
#49
For the rest of us, perhaps it can serve as perspective. Things aren't so bad for most of us as we make things out to be and time is relatively short. We shouldn't waste a moment. Sounds like that's something you already knew. Lucky to have something most don't have the courage or fortune to attain, unlucky to lose something so special.
S
07/29/2009 (6:19 pm)
Touching to say the least, Jeff. For the rest of us, perhaps it can serve as perspective. Things aren't so bad for most of us as we make things out to be and time is relatively short. We shouldn't waste a moment. Sounds like that's something you already knew. Lucky to have something most don't have the courage or fortune to attain, unlucky to lose something so special.
S
#50
-Chris
07/29/2009 (10:53 pm)
Time indeed does help to heal many things, but it won't take away the pain of losing someone that you love dearly; Nor should it. Sometimes it just needs to hurt for a while. You and Hannah lived a dream, and sharing the passion of life, love, and creation with another soul is something that many search for throughout their entire existence. So I want to express that I really do wish you the best as you carry this dream forward.-Chris
#51
07/30/2009 (7:20 am)
I wasn't going to comment because its hard to say anything for something like this that isn't trite but where words fail I can at least offer my heart felt sorrow.
#52
My thoughts and prayers go out to you sir.
07/30/2009 (10:08 am)
You are definitely an inspiration. I couldn't even imagine the pain of losing my wife. Your strength is amazing. Most can only aspire to have this kind of strength.My thoughts and prayers go out to you sir.
#53
I Am Very Sorry For Your Loss.
07/30/2009 (2:26 pm)
If I Lost My Mother Forever I Don't Know What I Would Do. I Am Very Sorry For Your Loss.
#54
07/30/2009 (2:27 pm)
So sad to hear, My thoughts and prayers be with you. 
#55
Try to keep strong for your kids. Try to keep positive.
I wish you all the best
Michael
07/31/2009 (9:56 am)
On man, I'm so sorry Jeff. And I wish you and your kids that you will find comfort in the thought that she doesn't have to suffer anymore. She was definately a great person.Try to keep strong for your kids. Try to keep positive.
I wish you all the best
Michael
#56
08/02/2009 (6:16 pm)
This is the kind of thing that gets to me most. I can't express my condolences enough. She was a very beautiful girl, it must be immensely difficult for you. But a bright forward outlook is all you need, knowing everything despite the loss, is still perfectly ok. 
Torque Owner N R Bharathae