My story, want some feed back

#1 Well...well...sorry, but dont you see the Similarities between your and..ehm...some hundred other stories?

And its rather hard to understand, why humans and aliens should attack each other because, well...there are thousands of known planets in the Galaxy and at the time your story is set, we should have find some more.

Sorry for sounding harsh, its just that your story doesnt offer anything really. It can be summed up like this: "humans and aliens wage war against each other."

#2 We can invade other worlds but we can't just travel to uninhabited ones? The alien planets are all hospitable to human life? We're capable of being a threat to the "Council of Interstellar Life" but we've only managed to colonize Mars and the Moon? "remaining planets and races"? That could be quite a lot in just this galaxy alone.

Honestly, the back story is a little weak as it stands. You could just leave it at "Humans and Aliens are fighting" and have the same effect.

#3 your both, right thanks, but just to defend myself alittle...

i probally didn't go into enough detail about how successful the humans were at the first attacks, that is why the diferent alien races dicided to elimintate them and take back their lands. Maby i should just make it longer so I give it more reason and just just a random attack

thnak you very much for the critisim

maximo

#4 Well, even though your story is a little inconsistent, the basic idea is fine. It really just needs to be tweaked and elaborated upon.

The big problem is that it tells us nothing about the game. You need to say something about the what the player actually does. You have this big background, and then you just say something like "and then they attack". You need to specify this more from the player's perspective.

Or at least that seems to me like the way to go about things.

#5 A story can easily sound consistent if it's built upon a good point to prove. What you're trying to say with your story? Why are you telling this particular story, anyway? You should start thinking, for example: "I love Sci-Fi stories, but I'm tired of these slaughters of evil faceless aliens, it would be cool to twist things a little, show 'the other side'", or something like this. Can you see, now you have a proposal, a starting point, your tale has a reason to be written.

In Star Wars, George Lucas was trying to tell a sci-fi tale about the fight of the human spirit against its dark side. As a writer, he had a load of references: he picture the Empire a lot like the Third Reich (strong symbol of military evil), there was a lot of references to the Lord Of The Rings (Obi-Wan was a little like Gandalf, Luke was a kind of Frodo), the spirituality and wisdom of the Force keepers was pictured as an ancient martial-arts cult, the Jedi.

You can read the Star Wars' subject in that skewed scrolling text, not too much to read. You can hear the Star Trek subject spoken briefly just before each episode, and they follow their motivation to "explore new worlds beyond any human bla bla" thru the six seasons of the show.

If you define "The Mighty Subject" of your story, if it's a good point, you don't have to keep explaining this or that, a story with a strongly defined subject almost write itself.

I don't know how deep you want to dive in, but if you want to get serious about your storyline, this is an invaluable resource, I promise.

#6 needs some twists I think, right now its the good guys (aliens ?) vs bad guys (humans)...

For example, while the humans waged war on the aliens a small group of human fighters saw and opposed the carnage that was being dealt out to the entirely passive alien race and began to form an alliance with the last remaining alien colony to repel the human advance. They uncovered a hidden agenda for the war.. perhaps the human genetic pool was found to have a common fault or weakness (im not an expert on biology but you get the idea) that meant without fresh and more advanced genes the human race was destined to die so they went after the aliens to try and reinvigorate the failing human genetics to deal with new environmental challenges, the aliens naturally werent keen to assist an aggressive and destructive neighbour.. so the war began.

The player can select either human-alien hybrid (the rebels) or the humans. The human-alien colony would have light weapons, rely on stealth and have possible "special skills" such as increased stamina, strength and so on whilst the human army would be heavy and slow but have very powerful weapons.

#7 ok what you all didnt see is pages upon pages of what the game is like, it is an alot like masters of orion II, (one of my favorite games) but instead of space battles, it is all on land and you are a soilder and participate like it was an FPS style game, with massive armies attacking one another. just to mix my to favorite genres into one game. i do need some plot twists, those make interesting plots.

Thanks for the feedback and input

maximo

#8 ok taking into consideration what all of you have said, i have revised the story for the humans and here it is (it is much longer, but better IMO) im still working on the alien side of the story. Thanks

Human Story

The year is 256 AY (Alpha Year). Earth is drastically overpopulated, as advances in medicine and gene enhancing has extended the average age of a human past 150 years. Earth has turned into an almost unconnected megalopolis. The only places not populated are the forest reserves and wildlife preservations. Office buildings are now 100's of stories tall. Humans now rely almost entirely on artificial resources and solar energy, as they have consumed all other options. The WSA (World Space Agency) has made it possible for life on the moon and even on our sister planet Mars. But due to the lack of funding, and technology it is impossible for large numbers to move out of Earth and into these new cities. As the birth rates go up and the total population multiplies by the year The World Council has decided that it is time for drastic action, they have run out of options. Scientists have made contact with other races in other galaxies and have learned much about how they live. It turns out that they have populated all the planets with suitable conditions for human life. The WC decides they must have this land, or the human race will collapse underneath its own mass. It is thought about and planed for 5 years until they convince the armies of the world that this is the only reasonable option. The humans need land now and this is the only place they are sure they can get it. The humans prepare for the invasion and requite massive numbers of people to join the cause. It is 1 more year until they launch the first attacks. The humans use surprise to their advantage and concur nearly all of their designated targets. They now have enough land to last them for many generations to come. It looks as though they have won. But the remaining alien races will not stand by and let their lands be concurred. They forget any problems they may have had and form a council to drive back the human invaders. They launch a massive counter attack and retake much of their land. This worries the WC and they decide the aliens must be eliminated, for the safety of the human race. The Humans launch attack after attack from their new bases and concur the remaining races. Now they own all the known inhabitable planets, spanning many galaxies and many planets. But unknown to them, there has been another race watching all of this from a distance. They race is impressed with the humans ability to concur so many. The race decides it is time for them to rule the universe, as they are the chosen ones. They see that the humans are weak from this war and suspect nothing; they feel the war is over. It is all about to change. The race of beings raids all of the human bases on their new planet. The humans are taken by surprise, they did not know of this race, and they find that they are far superior to them. The WC is fearful of them but know they must be eliminated. They call for any human to come and drive back the invaders, this is their land and these beings are trying to take it from them, they know this can not happen. The humans counter attack and drive all of the invaders back to their home system. The WC unanimously decides that they must be destroyed. The humans attack the race for many months and finally take the last city. It is met with massive joy, and many humans upset. They find the whole war to be a disgrace and join together with other rebels to over through the imperialistic government in place now. They raid cities on Earth, the moon, and Mars. They take many cities and it is a disaster. The loyal humans rally against the rebels and defend their homes. They eliminate all rebels. It is only now that they may relax, all of their enemies are destroyed. All their problems solved, they have all the land they will ever need. It is a great victory in the eyes of the WC. You have won the war, it is over for now.

#9 That would be alot easier to read if it were split into paragraphs, preferably with little headers splitting it into sections as well. As it is, it hurts my brain.

You say that Earth is an "almost unconnected megalopolis", but "unconnected" seems to be the opposite of what you're talking about.

"concur" should be "conquer".

You said something about convincing the human armies to attack. What would really happen is that someone would convince the leaders to attack, and the armies would just go do it because they do what they're told.

Those are all just insignificant details though.

#10 ok thanks, your right about unconnected, i meant something else, ill use continuos or something, i do need to split it into paragraphs though

thanks

maximo

#11

Quote:but I'm tired of these slaughters of evil faceless aliens

Nod, this is the difference between "Obi Wan is like Gandalf" meaning something [whether they agree or not] to anyone who has read the books or seen the films, and Brad's story.

Characters.

Whether you're in a school for wizards, space, under water, in a pub or standing on a castle in Denmark is secondary (except for the fact that the situation the characters are in affects them - and some people will watch a sci-fi film and not Hamlet)

With a game you need game play too, that's probably ahead of story in importance, but if the story matters, the two will need to be developed together. How someone interacts within the story etc.

That said, you might not want a story as such, marble blast is an excellent example of a game folk will play over and over trying to finish each level, without much need to identify with the marble nor to worry about how it found itself in a variety of brightly coloured and difficult to navigate wooden terrains.

Some games do try this though "you're a marble blasted into an alien world and you need to defeat the 72 levels of acria't'morg to save the princess jupilo from the evil dron" With, perhaps, a quick animation of a pneumatic blond fluttering her eyelashes when you finish the last level. It's pointless though and, with this example, the game play makes the game in and of itself.

#12 you said that i need gameplay first, well i havent posted my gameplay yet, there is a TON of stuff about gameplay that i have done, just a lot of stuff i didnt post, i just want to get a solid story as that is what draws a character into the game, and you can play as the aliens in my game, which helps you identify with them, plus the humans are bad so you should feel bad for them.

dont worry, i did the gameplay first, then made the story.

#13 Fair enough, just making the point wrt gameplay.

I'll just reiterate, the strong story needs individuals. Do a synopsis of some of your favourite films/books, if you're using names of characters, why aren't you in your synopsis for this game? If you can write a synopsis of Star Wars and it isn't about Luke Skywalker, Darth Vader et al, I would argue that your synopsis of whatever film it is, isn't very good.

That said, I'm not a huge fan of the so-called game story anyway.

For instance ratchet and clank, cohesive story, characters, 1/2 a twist but ultimately you're just navigating a bunch of well detailed levels. The gameplay is good. Cool Gadgets and weapons, stuff to find, skill points to get etc but the cut scene story is peripheral.

If you suspend belief you might question whether Luke will save the day, if you're playing ratchet and clank, you just navigate the last level until you do. Nothing you do when you have control has any bearing on the story - but I've still played it for hours, but my goals were collecting gold bolts and getting skill points, not saving the galaxy from Chairman Drek. They could have probably saved a few $000 in development costs writing cut scenes and a story that's completely pointless - others probably disagree though and they've sold more games than I have :o)

Similarly many fps single player games are a run through shooting a few scripted players. Few surprises, not much emotion. No need for a story. Agent wassisname cut scenes in RTCW told a story that again you had absolutely no control over. Peripheral.

Does it matter though? Think of an FPS where you expand on what's gone before by never feeling safe, where you don't know where the bad guys are coming from, where you get surpised, maybe scared, maybe feel powerful etc or add a lot of cool HL2 interaction.

Contrast that with actually trying to tell a story that's worth telling, in the game itself, without cut scenes, where the interaction happens in the game and where what the player does actually has a bearing on the story.

The 2nd is a lot harder to do, and IMO, the better game play is in the one that focuses on the effect you can have on the player when they are playing the game without needing the groundbreaking legwork.

YMMV of course, probably 50 people will now pipe up how much the story added to their favorite game :o))

#14 yea, i loved Halo mainly because the story really made me want to kill the baddies, but with my game you get to pick who and when to attack. How many armies or soilders you send, so the story is sorta effected by you, you chose in which order to defeate the baddies. But you are very right, gameplay is more important than story, But i feel i have a pretty soild gameplay idea so i just wanted to perfect the story, since it is important to me. thanks again for you imput.

maximo

#15 I suggest that you create either an outline, a bulleted list or a timeline to help keep your story straight. This will help you to develop a story without having to worry about story-telling, grammar, spelling, etc until you have fully fleshed out your story. It will also make it easier to see the inconsistancies and missing story elements in what you ahve already written. With a well written timeline you may even decide that you don't need to actually write a story.

#16 ok that is a good idea, but i really want a story,i have spent alot of time on it, and i dont want to trash it now

#17 Sometimes, you just have to throw stuff out and start over.

When they did Halflife, they went about a year and a half in, and had a finished game. And they looked at it and said, "This is not the game we want to make." So they threw all their hard work, all their levels and models and textures, out the window and started over.

It worked out really well for them!

And remember, the outline is just a tool to help you write your story more coherently. Nearly all authors use aids of this nature to help them keep their stories organized; game developers even more so.

#18 ok, im working on a story line and setting it up like a time line, it is a little easeir to see the order of things and is easier to read. and i just wanted to give you'll a basic idea of the game so the story makes more sense

it is an FPS at heart were you are the average soldier amist massive numbers of units on both sides. There will be vehicles and lots of weapons (i have written out designs already) and grenades. BUt it is more than just you going into a battle, and fighting. You also get to order weapons for your army, deploy your troops to difernet planets or cities on those planets. You have to buy weapons, reqruit soldiers and deploy them, it is all about stratagy. the second half that i explained would be set up like a dumbed down Masters of Orion game were you have to manage money and build armies.

that is the basics, i know it is pretty in depth and would be sorta hard to make but i like it. i just need some people to make it...


*points at programers with free time*

i dont want the money, (yet) i just want some experince on my resume (god i cant spell) so i have something to work off of in the future, this is sorta my life goal, to make a good game that every one likes.


maximo

#19 Here is the alien side of the storyline, just finished it today.

i want some critism on it too please, thanks

Alien Story (this is if you play as an alien race)

---Back Story---

The Year is 245 AY (alpha year) and your race is caught up in a massive interstellar war with the other races in nearby galaxies. You are battling for land. In 257 AY the war ends and each race now has at least one planet of its own now. Some have 2. Your Astronomers have recently discovered a new race of beings on a distant galaxy. They seem to possess inferior technology, but they do populate 3 landmasses. It seems to you that they are ripe for the plunder. Your race starts to build up an invasion force, trying to stay as low key as you can, as to not alert the other races to your find. You build up a force for 5 years and just as you are about to attack this new race. You are attacked first.

---Start of Game---

You and the other races around you are attacked by this race. Most of the planets they attack are taken, you defend your planet to the best of your abilities but you lose the battle. Your race and the other non-human races form an allegiance to drive back the attackers. It is your land and you want, need, it back. You retreat to the few remaining strongholds and rebuild your armies. You launch a massive counter attack on humans and manage to reclaim most of your lost land. You fight along side your former enemies to drive back the new threat. You finally, after many attacks, manage to reclaim your lost lands. The allegiance you have with the other races decides that the humans must be eliminated. You launch a combined attack on the human's planets and conquer them. You have defeated the threat. But another is about to present itself.
Your race's government feels that the new planets should be under their rule. So does the other races governments. Joy turns to hatred, as your recent allies again become your enemies. You start a battle for the new land and you fiercely defend their cities. You finally have all of the new land under your rule. But that is not enough for your government. They want the other races eliminated, so they will pose no future threat to your race.
You again prepare for war and send your armies to attack your neighbors. It is a bloody battle and you are counterattacked often. You jump from galaxy to galaxy conquering your foes and eliminating the threat of the others. You final rule all known galaxies and you rejoice at your power and your victory.
But there is another threat. Unknown to you another race of superior beings has been watching your triumphs. They see your power and feel Threatened by it. The Arzon Race also sees that you are low on funding and that your army is in a bad shape after fighting for so many years. They decide they should be the dominant race in the universe and launch a campaign against your race. They send many armies to capture your new lands and you defend some but lose many. You know that the threat must be eliminated and that you will have to conquer them as well. You rebuild your armies and counterattack and reclaim your lands. It is a good victory, but they Arzons are still a threat. You decide they must be eliminated. You attack the Zith Galaxy, home to the Arzons, and conquer their cities. It is a great victory for your race and all of your enemies lie at your feet. It is truly an accomplishment and testimony to your races great power. You are now the rulers of the universe.

#20 Sounds like an expanded, universe based version of Risk :P

My suggestion would be to break this into persuing episodes/sequels (ala Warcraft ;). But hey, your story, your game, may the force be with you :)

- Chris